Many of you are aware that October is the “Awareness” month. Childhood cancer awareness, breast cancer awareness, domestic violence awareness, dyslexia awareness, and the list goes on and on. All of these are important and significant in their own way to different people. However, October is also Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Stillbirth awareness month. And this is the one that stands out for us the most. Not only did we lose our child due to a late term miscarriage; we lost her in October. Irony much?
It will be seven years on Friday since we lost our little girl. October 13, 2010. I blog about it yearly, remember it daily, but only acknowledge it momentarily. This is why my therapist says I need to “feel” it. I’m not sure what to feel. I feel angry and sad and stolen from. I feel sorry for my husband who never gets to play dress up with his daughter and have tea parties (and yes, he really misses this). I feel jealous of others who have daughters her age and are experiencing what I would love to experience. Whenever I hear of a “mommy and me” mother/daughter event, I become jealous and sad. And when Sam hears of a “daddy/daughter” dance or tea, it breaks his heart.
We are broken, y’all. And all the “but you have 3 healthy boys” and “everything happens for a reason” and “you will see her again one day” s do not fix it. It doesn’t fix us. Our hearts need time to mend. Before they can mend, they have to feel-the pain, the anger, the loss, the emptiness, the “what would have beens.” I don’t know how long that will take. How long does it take to process and accept the loss of a child? Is there a time table for this?
My therapist (bless him) explained it like this to me today: I experience and feel the loss one day per year and shut it out the other 364 days in the year. So, the total days of loss I’ve encountered, counting this year would be 7. 7 days I’ve allowed myself to grieve. I now know why I’m in therapy. Grief is hard! It sucks. It is not something we want to do. Sometimes it gets forced on us by our well-meaning therapists…..(not naming any names)….and sometimes we avoid it. I’m really really good at avoiding it. Obviously. I (and Sam) are trying to do better this year. We are talking more. I haven’t been able to say her name out loud yet. I promised my therapist I’d try, and I will.
I know we aren’t the only ones going thru this. I know many of you have suffered similar losses, and I can not begin to tell you how sorry I am; we are. But please do not make our mistakes. Grieve. Cry, laugh, cry some more, love, breathe.
October is a crappy month for us. But it is our month. It is a time of remembrance for all those of who have lost littles too soon. We happened to lose ours during this month, and the irony is not lost on us at all. Please be in prayer for our family as we continue to grieve and love and mourn our daughter.