Most of you know the mental illnesses I struggle with: PTSD, major depressive disorder, severe anxiety disorder, etc. Then there’s the physical illnesses: crazy food allergies, gut impermeability, migraines, loss of hearing, adrenal fatigue, frightening memory loss… All the doctors agree that it has to be some auto immune disease, but no one can pin point WHICH auto immune disease. So, I eat clean, exercise, take my meds and vitamins, and go to therapy. I do what I’m “supposed” to do.
I still can’t get out of bed. Can’t. Won’t. Don’t. Same thing. It takes all the energy I have to open my eyes in the morning, much less move my body. I freeze constantly (adrenals), so getting out from underneath my piles of quilts is not exactly appealing. Knowing I have to walk alllll the way down the hall to the kitchen and fix a smoothie full of vitamins when I’d rather be drinking my coffee….again, not appealing. Forcing myself to walk through the front door and sit on the porch (in my pajamas) just to get some sunlight, because maybe, by the grace of God, that will help…..just doesn’t seem worth it. I’d much rather stay in bed, not move, not eat, not drink, and stay warm and hidden.
I can’t though. I have kids. I love them,. I want to be happy and get up and fix breakfast, go outside with them, play games, not have to take a nap mid day, cook supper, bake a cake. It’s not going to happen, y’all. My body literally says, “no.” I’ve tried! I’ve been in the midst of reading Shakespeare with them and fallen asleep mid sentence or made it out the door to take them for a ride on their bikes only to go blurry eyed with sleepiness. I’ve been helping my husband pressure wash the house, only to have to stop and go lie down because my body was not going to allow it to be pushed any further.
It is a JOB just to take a shower or to eat food or even talk, some days. I hate it. I want to be happy and full of energy and love and light and rainbows. I’m not. I have hope though. I know I can get better. I’ve been better before, and I will get better again. I don’t know when or how, but I know I will. With the failing memory, I may not even remember all of this I’ve suffered through (silver lining).
So, if you are talking to me, and I forget your name or where you work or where we met, please know it isn’t intentional. I take detailed notes and tons of pictures , so I can remember, or at least know there was a memory. Don’t feel sorry for me. Pray for me. Give praise to God when I do have a good day… I do! But don’t feel pity for me.
A lot of people ask how I work (as a Doula) with all of these health issues. All I can say is, God. He restores my memory when I need it during a birth; He gives me energy to endure a 30 hour labor; He gives me joy when I see a mom and dad look at their newborn for the first time .He sends the most amazing moms and dads my way. There is no other explanation. I trust Him. He has never and will never fail me.
Lamentations 3:23-24 “…His mercies never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness.”