Posted in Depression, Uncategorized

God is big enough

I heard a new song today. Well, it’s a new song to me; I’m not exactly sure it’s a “new” song. It’s called “I’ll keep on” by NF featuring Jeremiah Carlson. Let’s rewind just a bit…

Do you ever have one of those days? You know the kind of day I’m talking about. The kind where you can’t seem to do anything right and every decision you make, no matter how carefully thought out, is wrong. The kind of day where, even though you try your best, things just don’t work out. You wake up tired; get bad news; hear horrible stories on the news; get angry for no reason; fuss or yell at someone for nothing in particular. Are you getting the picture yet?? This is the kind of day I’ve had. I’ve been having these days for a while now. I’ve felt lost, abandoned, alone. I’ve always accredited myself with the fact that during all the bad I’ve been through, all the trauma, I’ve never once asked God “why?” or been angry with God. Doing that has kept me from truly feeling the brunt of all the pain. It’s easy to say, “No, I’m fine. I know God has a plan.” It’s easy to say and easy to believe. I do believe that God has a plan for everyone and nothing goes unnoticed here on earth or in Heaven. However, saying that doesn’t exempt me from the pain. I still feel. Just because I smile, say all the right things, and do what needs to be done, doesn’t mean I don’t suffer. Sometimes I don’t even realize I am suffering. If I don’t realize it, how could you? How could God? If I don’t tell him, then how can he know? And if he doesn’t know, how can he be here for me? If you keep going with that, you eventually end up with the conclusion that God isn’t here for you/me and thus the feeling of abandonment. I’ve gone down a long rabbit hole I realize, but stay with me, I have a point.Feeling abandoned or alone can cause you to do, say, or think many things. It has landed me, specifically, in a situation I never thought I’d be in. It’s allowed me to meet people from all walks of life and backgrounds. I met a girl a few weeks ago. She’s heard some of my story. She knows I’m a Christian, and she also knows I feel a little angry with God. And bless her, after hearing that I’m angry and feel alone right now, instead of saying things like, “Well God is always with you,” or “Just put it in God’s hands,” which are valid responses. She simply said, “God is a big guy. I think He is big enough for you to be angry with him. I think He can handle it and still love you.” Do you have any idea the peace that brought me? I’ve been searching and searching and just feeling like a failure for feeling alone and angry, and here comes this girl who hardly knows me, speaking life to me. God used her. I know that. She may not. I do.

The song “I’ll keep on” really speaks to my frame of mind and where I am at in life. I think it speaks to where a lot of us are. Google or youtube it. Here are the lyrics.

Faith is something I am not accustomed to
Trusting other people ‘s something I don’t really love to do
I’ve never been a fan of it, I act tougher
Really my shoulders they ain’t built for this and I don’t have nothing
It’s like I’m standing in the rain and you offer me a raincoat
But I would rather stand there wringing wet than take the handout
What’s wrong with me? You said, you’ve always got your hands out
And I cannot continue on my own so take my hands now
I give you everything, God, not just a little bit
Take it from me, I am nothing but a hypocrite
I hate sin but I built a house and I still live in it
Afraid to open up the door to you ‘n let you into it
My soul is lost and what it needs is your direction
I know, I’ve told you I do not need your protection
But I lied to you, this thing is tiring
A man was not created for it
God, please retire me now

Oh, these hands are tired
Oh, this heart is tired
Oh, this soul is tired
But I’ll keep on
I’ll keep on
I’ll keep on
I’ll keep on
I’ll keep on
I’ll keep on

Trust is something I am not accustomed to
And I know the Bible says that I should always trust in you
But, I don’t ever read that book enough
And when I have a question I don’t take the time to look it up
Or pick it up
It collects dust on my nightstand
I’m just being honest
Please take this outta my hands
I have no control – I am just a person
But thank the Lord that I serve a God that’s perfect
I do not deserve the opportunity you’ve given me
I never knew what freedom was until I learned what prison means
I am not ashamed, I don’t care if they remember me
My life will always have a hole if you are not the center piece
Take me out of bondage, take all of my pride
If I don’t have a Savior, I don’t have nothing inside
Take all of my lust, take all of my lies
There’s no better feeling than when I look in the sky, in your eyes
It’s amazing

 

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Author:

I am a child of God, first and foremost. Secondly I am a wife; very much ( and sometimes undeservingly) loved, by my husband Sam. And last, but most certainly not least, I am a mom to 3 beautiful boys: Mitchell, Andrew and Buddy. We homeschool, love family time, and enjoy helping others. I am also a doula. I love my work and love writing about it as well. I am very passionate about my beliefs, and my blogs tend to show that. Enjoy reading!

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