I honestly can’t remember what I sat down to write.
That’s probably the point though. My neuro doctor just emailed me to let me know he was finishing up analyzing my test results and would have them to me by the end of the weekend. So, I’ll know. I’ll know why my brain chooses to remember certain, seemingly unimportant things, and to forget other extremely important life events. I’ll know why I am not able to function in this world I was once so apt to become part of. I’ll know why I spend hours crying, in a fog, lost, or confused. Either that, or I won’t know because more tests will be needed. I’m not sure which is scarier: knowing or not knowing. Understanding the reality of whatever is going on in my head or being left in the dark to wonder.
There are times when people belittle it. They don’t mean to, and I understand that. I don’t call attention to it or try to explain, because honestly how could I? I don’t even understand myself. Yes, I’m barely in my 30’s, and my memory loss cannot possibly be as bad as someone in their 70’s. Only it is. In fact, at times, it’s worse. Forgetting where you’re at, is a problem. Not being able to recall a family member’s name….problem. I get where people come from though. So many of us are busy and distracted, and forget what we walked into a room for. Or go to the grocery store and leave the list in the car. This isn’t that. This is having whole life events ripped from your memory. This is having intelligent conversations one minute and not being able to dictate a sentence the next. This is leaving the house on a normal basis, and stopping because of fear. It’s real. It’s scary. And it’s my life.
I hate this. Can I say that?? I HATE THIS!!! Please don’t tell me about God having a plan, and this being part of it. I already know that. I trust God. If you know me at all, you know that. But I 100% absolutely hate going through this. I want to remember. I want to be normal. I want this to stop. I have prayed and prayed and have had people pray for me and over me. I appreciate it beyond all words. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
But, God, I need my memory. I am a mother!!! I’m a wife. I need to function, to be the best mom and wife and daughter and friend I can be. I need to be able to read God’s Word without forgetting what I’m doing. Imagine reading a scripture only to stop, look around, and not know what in the world you’re doing. Do you know how much less of a Christian I feel I am because of this? I know God’s there, here. My mind will not work though. It is fighting against me, and I am doing my best to hang on with every ounce I am. It’s not enough. God has to step in. He is the only one with the power to intervene; to stop this from progressing; to restore my memories. He alone can accomplish this with His very breath. If he wills it. He may not will it, though. I have to accept that. He is King. I am not. My life is to bring Him glory. So, even though I sound angry and defeated and sad ( I am), please remember: I trust the Lord Jesus Christ. His plan for my life is perfect and complete, as is He. I may cry some more, but I know God’s holding me. Don’t feel sorry for me. I have the most perfect Father in Heaven looking out for me.
A beautiful song was released earlier this year by Hillary Scott called “Thy Will.” Her words resonate so much with me. I know this isn’t for me to understand. I’ll leave you with her beautiful words, because I could not begin to compare with them.
“I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
Thy Will be done”